Marriage...what not to do

As we continue on with the theme of Married life Thursdays I would like to submit a couple perhaps no brainer ideas for diffusing potentially uncomfortable or unstable relational situations. I say a “no brainer idea” to indicate that anyone can think of these and everyone probably has, giving the problem in relationships some relatively defined limits. To do what you know to be right when your feelings are telling you to do something different. Does that sum it up?

I am not referring to dysfunctional situations beyond the scope of everyday personality differences and normal hormonal, emotional, and physical challenges. That seems like a lot in itself but abuse, trauma, violence and the like are a whole different animal and require a different skill set then I possess. Getting help in marriage can be a marriage saver. But many of us just need a reminder to be your nice self during the inevitable everyday annoyances.

 

I remember in our first year of marriage, my husband blind siding me one night over a pile of things on the bottom step. In my busy organizing I would pile what needed to be brought upstairs at the bottom of the stairs (naturally) and take it all up at once instead of making countless trips up and down. Apparently he really did not like seeing things piled on the bottom step (in my defense it was neatly stacked on one side), but had never mentioned it before until positively exploding about it. This was of course very irritating to me. I have no trouble with my husband not liking my methods and am happy to alter them if asked in a rational manner. This to me was not rational and of course didn’t put me in an “okay dear I’ll never do that again” mood. However, I noticed something right away even in my “high horse” state of mind, after his totally unforeseen and unnecessary display of disgust. 1. He had something work related on his mind 2. He had not been able to find something for work that he had spent awhile looking for. 3.  He was already feeling impatient and annoyed about stuff entirely unrelated to me.

 

So short story long, the pile on the stairs was, as the saying goes, merely the straw that broke the camels back. It is easy to overreact to your spouse when you are already feeling overwhelmed by life’s many overwhelming qualities and getting an overreaction to your overreaction is, as the sayings continue to go, adding insult to injury.

 

My husband is an even keeled man and lets me have free reign with many things. However there have been a few things that he has shown a real preference for, like having the toilet paper roll put in with the paper coming off the top (yes, he gave me a ten minute monologue on the reasons for this, of which I won't sport with your intelligence by repeating). I laugh about this but I try always to put the roll with the paper coming out of the top.

 

The bible says a gentle answer turns away wrath. Most of us have this verse memorized but when wrath is directed at us, wrath is usually used in return.
 

So as we strive to be good "keepers" of the very wonderful institution of marriage, let us all remember a couple things not to do:

 

• Don't use sarcasm. Sometimes sarcasm can be funny, but in marriage, sarcasm is usually hurtful. When two people are trying to cohabitate peacefully and at the same time bare their souls to one another, small hurtful jabs can be more destructive than in other relationships. Make an effort to keep things intimate by being constructive instead of causing your spouse to put up thin protective walls that eventually become thick protective walls.

• Don't get defensive. Say "I'm sorry" and mean it instead of giving attitude. Sometimes we just need someone to have a little mercy on us and who better than our spouse to provide it. Despite trendy opinion, usually our spouses are not trying to attack us when speaking so take the trouble of listening and asking questions before jumping to your own defense.

• Don't deflect: perfect the art of saying "I can do that dear" instead of pointing the finger at what they have been doing wrong in the past 24 hours or 48 hours or two weeks or two years and bringing a small irritation to a very large irritation. "I can move the stuff from the bottom of the stairs babe" instead of "If you hate it so much, you move it."

You get the picture.

Little ways we display grace in a relationship can make the home such a pleasant place to be.

 

 

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